I have had a realization today. I make most of my realizations while inside my own head, in my own little universe. I think about everything: I think about myself, about the world, about my place in it, about my family, and about my future.
Today was one of the first days away from my boy friend in a good long while. You see, we pretty much live together but don’t: I have a house, he has an apartment. I have some sourdough starters, he has a dog. We divide our time between each place and sleep together every night. No matter what. And that’s the way we prefer it to be.
So today, I thought about myself. I thought about the way I feel when I am happy. I thought about myself as a person and myself as a couple. Never before have I felt tied to someone; I have always been the independent type, the type that doesn’t cry, but the joy and love that I feel in my heart brings tears to my eyes and a smile to my face. It makes me tingly and warm, endorphins rush through my veins and my heartbeat begins to quicken. Does everyone feel this way? Does this sort of feeling last?
Today I thought about the world and I thought about my place in it. My place is to be the kind individual who will hold the door open for you when you have your hands full, the person who asks you how your day was and is genuine, the person who makes you feel like an actual, appreciated human being. Will my endeavors one day change? The probability is high.
Today I thought about my family. There is no denying my love for my family but after being home for all of 8 hours, I have decided that I am not happy when I am home. On the surface, perhaps I am but I can’t say that I am truly and honestly happy. When half of me is gone, how can I be completely happy?
And lastly, today I thought about my future. I thought that I enjoy thinking about the future and the way my life will unfold itself and before I know it, I’ll be 47 and wonder where all those years went and how silly I was when I was 22 and sharing my every thought with the world on this internet page.
My realization of the day, what this entire thing started with, was that I am a happy person. I enjoy my life and my place in this world, I love my family, and I eagerly await my future. But what I really realized today was that I am really truly happy in the presence of my boy friend (Kyle). Without him, I feel like a sac of empty feelings. With him, my soul is warm and happy, liquid like dark and indulgent hot cocoa seeping into every nodule of my body. I also decided that it is quite a beautiful thing to share feelings and intentions with another person.
Case in point: Kyle and I both look at each other with this hopelessness in our eyes. I love that when I give such a longing look, it is reciprocated. Having such raw feelings thrown back at you is unbelievable. It is probably my favorite thing in the world, even besides sourdough baked goods and brussels sprouts. We both have an idea of the future and we know that the future involves both of us.
On the drive home for the holidays, we talked of heavy topics. We talked of future things, things of a serious matter. We made frequent restroom-breaks. We smiled and laughed and held hands. We have fun, the two of us do.
I have no idea why I am sharing this with the world. Somehow, I wonder if any good will come of it. This personal stuff probably isn’t even interesting.
So have some food. These are Kyle’s (and my) favorite!
Brussels sprout latkes
recipe from molly yeh
recipe yield: 14 latkes
In a large bowl, combine 4 cups very thinly sliced brussels sprouts (by use of a food processor or mandolin for easy work), 1 small chopped onion, salt, and pepper. Stir in the juice from 1/2 a lemon along with 4 beaten egg whites. Lastly, stir in 1/2 cup spelt flour until just combined.
In a large cast iron pan, heat a couple of tablespoons of olive oil over medium heat. Spoon latkes by the spoonful into the hot pan. Cook until golden brown and flip, pressing gently, until the bottom side is just as golden. Remove and place onto a plate protected with paper towels.
Make the balsamic dijon dipping sauce by mixing together 1 cup plain greek yogurt, 2 tablespoons dijon mustard, 2 tablespoons honey, and 4 teaspoons balsamic vinegar. Serve each latke with a dollop of sauce.